My hair reeks of homosexuality.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize