I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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