Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
