I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
