When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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