Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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