I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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