just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
