so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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