Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
