you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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