I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
no, he came in my armpit
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm like, not good at living.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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