if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
