hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
