Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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