i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
