Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
