Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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