Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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