chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
