i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
