The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
