bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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