Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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