A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
