It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
