As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
