Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
