If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
