just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
