you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
