you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
