hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
