she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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