I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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