There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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