I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
