I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
