Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
