I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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