The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
