Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
