so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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