but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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