I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
