Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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