Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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