dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
