I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Boobs speak an international language.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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