Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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