Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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