Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
