Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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