I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
