First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
