Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
